7 Elements of the Perfect Apology

May 2015

If you have been in a relationship for a while, chances are good that you have developed some not-so-helpful ways of communicating. Many times after you’ve done something to hurt or offend your partner, you add insult to injury with either no apology or a poor one.

Never apologizing or doing it poorly earns you the status of “jerk” in your partner’s mind. An inadequate apology often creates a slow-burn of resentment between you and your loved one. It essentially guarantees that the unresolved hurt will seep into the next interaction because nothing gets resolved.

Learning how to apologize is an art. Learn it well – practice it. The faster the repair with an apology– the faster the flow of love and fun will flow back into your relationship.

1. Always make a face-face apology, when possible. Use email or text only as a short-term solution – and then follow-up with a sincere phone or in-person apology. Never use social media.
2. Be prepared that there might be a bad start to your apology. The other person might use it as an opportunity to fire back at you. Keep your calm. These kind of defensive maneuvers from the other person comes from hurt and anger. Accept it. And, continue with your apology when they cool down.
3. Tone of voice is key. If you aren’t sorry, don’t say that you are. Wait until you can give an authentic apology.
4. Ask the other person how you can repair the damage, especially if you acted out in front of others.
5. Do not joke to “lighten” things up. A sincere apology requires seriousness and respect for the other person and a humorous comment adds insult upon someone you have already injured.
6. The word “but” erases everything that is said before it, such as, “I’m sorry I was rude to your mother last night but ….” Stop! End the sentence. The word “but” adds excuses to your apology.
7. No cheap shots allowed when you are making an apology. For example, telling someone that you are sorry they are offended is basically the same thing as telling them that it is their problem – not yours. Take responsibility – use “I” statements for your side of the street, “I’m sorry I said mean things about your mother. I was wrong and I’m sorry.”