November 2015
An Inner Critic is the constant stream of inner evaluation of yourself and others. Similar to background music in a coffee shop — the Critic becomes background chatter in your mind. It is often surprising to people when they begin to realize how much/often that Critic spews its negative dialogue.
The critical inner voice seems to monitor your behavior and thoughts, easily handing out sub-par performance ratings. It mocks you, shames you, puts fear in your heart, tells you to not try hard or pushes you into high performance. It drives anxiety, depression, anger and self-loathing and push you into exhaustion.
You’re not good enough.
You’re going to fail.
You are a failure.
No one likes you.
No one loves you.
You’re a bad mom.
You’re an idiot.
Work harder.
You’re fat
Give up.
Stay small.
You’re stupid.
That was stupid.
Don’t take that risk.
You drink too much.
They think you’re a loser.
He/She doesn’t care about you.
You’ll never, ever be good enough. Never. Ever.
People are addicted to self-criticism. Who among us hasn’t had the experience of learning to be judgmental of ourselves as a teenager, when we are so worried about how we’re going to appear to others or what might happen if we don’t perform well?
Noticing the Inner Critic
The first step in noticing the voice of your Inner Critic, recognizing when it begins to attack you. What are your triggers? Attending certain social events? Speaking in a meeting? Asking someone out on a date? Trying on clothes? Making a mistake? Being criticized by a friend/boss/sibling? Not getting a promotion? Yelling at your children? Drinking too much? Not performing well at work?
Making Peace with the Critic
The key to lessening the voice of the Critic is to understand it. Now that you begin to notice when it attacks you — let’s understandwhy attacks and shames you.
Grab a journal and spend some time with the following.
When did the Critic begin to attack you? Think of the earliest memories or the evidence of events that have happened in the past that substantiate why it attacks you. Ponder those memories and past evidence.
Ask that critical voice some questions:
- What is it trying to accomplish by judging, belittling or pushing you?
- What is it afraid would happen if it didn’t do that?
- What is it trying to protect you from?
Notice – is there a small part of you that absorbs everything the Critic says and believes those messages? (I am hopeless. I am not good enough. I am a failure. I am worthless. There is something wrong with me. I’m ugly/fat.)
Is it true that you have an Inner Critic AND you have a part of you thatbelieves the Inner Critic? Most likely — yes.
As you take a next deep breath, see if you can feel some compassion toward the vulnerable part of you that holds that fear or belief.
As an example — I see that vulnerable 13-year old inside of me who holds the false belief that mom and dad won’t love me if I do poorly in school or sports. The Inner Critic began to push me hard at a young age to succeed and achieve — so I wouldn’t fail and lose their love.
The Critic certainly helped me to achieve things in life and to succeed — and I’m grateful for that. The problem is that the Critic never stopped criticizing me even during success. It pushed me relentlessly with constant criticism into my 20’s, 30’s and 40’s, causing my stress levels to rise. I became an expert at self-shaming myself if I didn’t perform well.
Once I began to appreciate the efforts of the Inner Critic and I felt compassion for that 13-year old (who still believed good grades = more love) — it became the magic bullet to love myself for who I am — not for what I do.
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