Author Archive | Elizabeth Galanti

5 Ways to Love the Alcoholic & Yourself

September 2015

Face the facts.
If you think that things will somehow get better – you are likely wrong. Facing the facts means grasping a new realization that your loved one is in the grips of a physical and emotional addiction. Their addiction has shifted their thought patterns and behaviors. The realty is that you have no control over what they do. You may experience constant worry — feel powerless — try to run after them with a safety net — tell lies for them — minimize their behavior – blast them with anger.

Disconnect with Love.
This is a very common theme in Al-Anon yet one that is not easy to implement. Learning how to set limits is a very important skill. Limits are healthy boundaries — they are not ultimatums which come from desperation. Detachment with love is letting your loved one fall and hit their bottom. You might cringe as you read this but it’s true. If you were to attend a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous — you would alcoholics say, “I needed to hit my bottom before I stopped digging.” You will never hear the addict say, “I quit because my wife told me to.” You cannot force them to stop — so stop demanding.

Let Go and Let God.
As you clearly face their addiction — look closely at your own actions that involve — fixing, protecting, minimizing, enabling, controlling, shielding, manipulating, blasting or lying — in an attempt to protect or expose the addict. If you realize you’re trying to change them — accept that as your problem — which you can change. The Serenity Prayer can provide a fresh perspective as you contemplate your own behaviors and what you can change.

God, Grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Get Unstuck.
When an alcoholic drinks – they fall into a pattern of thinking and behavior that focuses on their addiction. The pleasure center of the brain is impacted and their ability to grasp long-term consequences of their actions is difficult. As you watch your loved one go through this — it’s exceptionally painful – especially if have no support. The most important thing you can do is to care of yourself. Get yourself help — join a support group such as Al-Anon. Learn about addiction as well as co-dependence and enabling behaviors.

Embrace the difference: “Helping” versus “Enabling.”
Ask yourself one question: “Whose responsibility is it for them to stop drinking?” The correct answer is — theirs. Alcoholics don’t consider risks or consequences. If you keep taking on a responsibility which doesn’t belong to you — the alcoholic will never take it on themselves. Enabling behaviors might look like this:

Giving ultimatums in anger — and later retracting them
Running after them with a safety net so they don’t hurt themselves
Lying and holding secrets
Giving them money
Sweeping things under the rug
Retracting limits/boundaries — over and over again
Picking them up after a night of drinking (again!)
Suffering in silence while hoping it goes away

The alcoholic has plenty of options/choices for help, including a counselor, priest/pastor, spiritual advisor and/or a 12-step program for any addiction, including:

AA (Alcoholics Anonymous); NA (Narcotics Anonymous); GA (Gamblers Anonymous); DA (Debters Anonymous); SA (Sexaholics Anonymous); CGAA (Computer Gaming Addicts Anonymous)

The family has support groups too (Al-Anon for alcohol, Gam-Anon for gambling, ACoA for adult children of alcoholics, etc).

DETACH: Don’t. Even. Think. About. Changing. Him/Her.
~~ Al Anon

Emotional Eating: 5 Reasons Why You Can’t Stop

By Elizabeth Galanti in Emotional Eating, Mindfulness, Self-Esteem, Stress Management

July 2015

Why are you eating? Paying attention to the answer is key.

It’s astonishing to hear that the weight-loss industry in the United States hauls in $40 billion annually with diet pills, diet books, meal plans and surgical procedures. The number of people who are dieting at any given time is 100 million, with an average of 4-5 diets each year.

Yet, obesity continues to accelerate and the United States is facing a health epidemic related to excessive consumption. Why?

1. Unawareness
Emotional eating is when you’re full and you continue to eat. Snacks and dessert are often eaten when you are not hungry and you don’t even notice. The solution? Be mindful of what and when you are eating. Ask 2 questions when you are going for food, “Am I hungry? What emotion am I feeding?” Listen to the response and act accordingly.

2. Food as Your Only Pleasure
You might notice that desserts and snacks help you temporarily feel better and soothe yourself. Why? Sugars and fats release opioids in your brain which are the active ingredients in cocaine, heroin and many other narcotics. The calming, soothing effects you feel are real. The solution? Find other ways to soothe with a healthy dose of something else; a good book, a walk in the park, a warm bath, meditation/prayer.

3. Inability to Tolerate Difficult Feelings
Not being able to tolerate “negative” feelings makes you susceptible to emotional eating. The solution? Pay attention to your feelings and then do something to shift that feeling. Bored – call a friend to chat. Lonely – go for a walk in the park and say “hi” to people that pass by. Angry – write a note of apology to someone you’ve hurt. Feeling unheard — write out your feelings in a journal. Spiritually dry — pray.

4. Body Hate
It may sound illogical, but it’s true: hating your body is one of the biggest factors in emotional eating. Negativity, shame and self-hatred rarely inspire people to make healthy changes. Many people tell me they will stop hating their body after they reach a better weight. That’s backwards — stop hating your body so you can stop your emotional eating. You might even notice that after you eat a certain food or you eat too much — your Inner Critic begins to berate you, calling you names such as “disgusting, pig, fat, out of control, etc.” Then, your self-esteem plummets and you reach for food to comfort yourself.

5. Physiology
Letting yourself get too hungry, worn-down or tired sets you up for emotional eating. Solution? Get plenty of sleep and eat only when your body tells you it is hungry. You might eat when you are actually thirsty — grab a glass of water instead of instantly heading to the vending machine. Ask yourself, “Am I hungry? What am I feeling right now?” Use an essential oil such as Lavender on the bottom of your feet at bedtime to help get a natural and restful sleep.

The Solution: Mindfulness
Mindfulness is deliberately paying attention, being fully aware of what is happening inside of yourself – body, heart, mind, spirit. Mindfulness is awareness without criticism or judgment — being able to get that Inner Critic to relax back so you can enjoy the moment.

If you are hungry – eat, pause, enjoy, savor, slow down. By pausing – you are able to sense when you are full. Then, stop. If you want to save room for dessert – stop eating your main meal when you are still hungry. Let it settle about 5-10 minutes. Then have a sensible portion of dessert.

In mindful eating you are not comparing yourself to anyone else. You are simply witnessing the many sensations and thoughts that come up as you eat.

Living and eating with mindfulness means that you experience:

The pleasure of eating well that is based on internal cues of hunger and satiety rather than on external food plans or diets
Self-acceptance and respect for the diversity of healthy, beautiful bodies rather than the pursuit of an idealized weight at all costs
The joy of movement, encouraging all physical activities rather than prescribing a specific exercise routine.

QUOTE: “Well, I think probably the main reason
people overeat is stress.”
~Jenny Craig

7 Warning Signs Your Relationship is in Trouble

By Elizabeth Galanti in Relationships

June 2015

1. There’s been an affair.
People who have affairs find themselves in a confusing conflict between their values/morals and their behavior. For their partner, infidelity creates a violation of trust and a crisis of identity. Affairs are an act of betrayal and, living in this digital age, it can feel like death by a thousand cuts.

An affair redefines a relationship and every couple will determine what the legacy of the affair will be for their marriage – whether it thrives, dies or merely survives.

2. You routinely have dead-end fights.
It’s normal for every couple to have disagreements from time to time. But if you’re feeling exhausted and hopeless from constantly fighting with your partner about things that never get resolved, then it’s time to seek help. Fights are about, “I’m right. I’m good. You’re wrong. You’re bad.” When two people are fighting to be understood — the result is no one is heard and both feel hurt.

The solution is to identify your patterns and learn ways to rewire your communication so you get off the merry-go-round of endless conflict.

3. You feel disconnected, shut down or lonely.
The point of a relationship is to share your life with someone who cares about you, supports you and wants nothing but the best for you.

However, if you’re feeling disconnected, emotionally shut down or lonely in your relationship — you likely have constructed an “emotional wall” to keep the pain out. The downside is that it also keeps the pain inside of you and prevents you from taking in love.

4. You feel insecure, clingy or jealous.
I often work with couples where insecurity and jealousy has become a big issue, to the extent where one partner ends up spying on the other partner through social media, dating apps and emails.

If trust has been lost and replaced by jealousy, the relationship needs help. Not feeling secure with your partner puts enormous stress on both people. Sometimes jealousy follows you from past relationships where there was a major breach of trust. Other times, it might be your current partner who is acting in a way that raises new suspicions; such as communicating with an ex — and then minimizing their behaviors to put the blame on you that you are “overly sensitive”. Lack of trust ruins authentic connection.

5. You are controlling.
Getting your way and being in charge might work really well for you as an individual. At the same time, it doesn’t always bode well for relationships. When you view situations as a power struggle — it means there’s always a loser and you’re working hard to be the winner. People may tell you that you are bossy or demanding and they get tired of being on the receiving end.

The problem is — most people don’t want to be controlled and will begin to rebel against you.

6. You avoid conflict.
People who are conflict-avoidant often think it’s a pathway to harmonious living. Instead, it creates imbalance. Communicating about relevant issues in relationships is a fundamental ingredient to an honest, authentic connection.

If you or your partner are constantly running away from dealing with conflict, this can be potentially harmful in the long run. Learning effective conflict resolution skills is key so you can deal with challenging conversations and experience stronger bonds.

7. You avoid being vulnerable.
Being open and honest with your partner is a key ingredient to emotional intimacy.

If you want to be truly known by another person — you must be vulnerable. If you feel closed, defensive, or avoidant, your relationship will suffer. Learning how to be more open with your partner in a safe and secure way is important. Vulnerability becomes a strength in relationships, not a liability.

Relationship therapy is not only for couples in crisis. It’s for anyone who wants more love in their life.

7 Elements of the Perfect Apology

By Elizabeth Galanti in Relationships

May 2015

If you have been in a relationship for a while, chances are good that you have developed some not-so-helpful ways of communicating. Many times after you’ve done something to hurt or offend your partner, you add insult to injury with either no apology or a poor one.

Never apologizing or doing it poorly earns you the status of “jerk” in your partner’s mind. An inadequate apology often creates a slow-burn of resentment between you and your loved one. It essentially guarantees that the unresolved hurt will seep into the next interaction because nothing gets resolved.

Learning how to apologize is an art. Learn it well – practice it. The faster the repair with an apology– the faster the flow of love and fun will flow back into your relationship.

Always make a face-face apology, when possible. Use email or text only as a short-term solution – and then follow-up with a sincere phone or in-person apology. Never use social media.
Be prepared that there might be a bad start to your apology. The other person might use it as an opportunity to fire back at you. Keep your calm. These kind of defensive maneuvers from the other person comes from hurt and anger. Accept it. And, continue with your apology when they cool down.
Tone of voice is key. If you aren’t sorry, don’t say that you are. Wait until you can give an authentic apology.
Ask the other person how you can repair the damage, especially if you acted out in front of others.
Do not joke to “lighten” things up. A sincere apology requires seriousness and respect for the other person and a humorous comment adds insult upon someone you have already injured.
The word “but” erases everything that is said before it, such as, “I’m sorry I was rude to your mother last night but ….” Stop! End the sentence. The word “but” adds excuses to your apology.
No cheap shots allowed when you are making an apology. For example, telling someone that you are sorry they are offended is basically the same thing as telling them that it is their problem – not yours. Take responsibility – use “I” statements for your side of the street, “I’m sorry I said mean things about your mother. I was wrong and I’m sorry.”

Can You Stay Sane While They Still Drink?

By Elizabeth Galanti in Addiction, Mindfulness, People Pleasing, Relationships, Stress Management

April 2015

When I work family members that have loved ones who struggle with addiction – the most frequent question I hear is, “How can I make them stop drinking (or using drugs or gambling or cheating or etc.)?”

You might ask yourself, “What’s the magical thing that I need to say to them – what threat, what ultimatum? Should I be mean – should I be nice – do I sweep it under the rug – do I get in their face?” Perhaps you’ve even done all those things – and none of them work in the long-run.

If you have an alcoholic in your life, you likely understand that life with a practicing addict is generally quite chaotic at times, which might also be tempered with really good times.

What can you do to get off the roller coaster? Accept you are powerless over the addicted person and detach from them. You cannot control people, places or things.

Detachment with love means caring enough about others to allow them to learn from their mistakes. It also means being responsible for your own welfare and making decisions without ulterior motives, such as the desire to control the alcoholic.
Detachment with love plants the seeds of recovery. When you refuse to take responsibility for other people’s alcohol or drug use, you allow them to face the natural consequences of their behavior. If a child asks why daddy missed the school play, you do not have to lie. Instead, you can say, “That’s a good question. You’ll have to ask him.”

Detachment means giving up outcomes. Your job is the effort, not the outcome. Leave the outcome to God. Do your part and let go of the rest. You will begin to experience peace.

Detachment with love is not selfish. It is freeing — and it is love.

Detachment is a choice.
Unconditional love is a choice.
Giving up control is a choice.
Being afraid is a choice.
Choosing to be peaceful is a choice.
Choosing to act, and not react, is a choice.
Trusting your loved ones to live their own lives is a choice.

What’s Your Knee-Jerk Response?

By Elizabeth Galanti in Relationships, Stress Management, Work Issues

March 2015

A Powerful Predictor of Workplace Stress

The world is full of danger and when people feel safe, they trust and cooperate. When they don’t, they waste time and energy defending themselves from each other.

We live most of our lives wired and wound up, rarely pausing to relax or unplug from the daily grind. What are the consequences of your ever-hectic life? When you are stressed at work, you lose natural qualities of communication, compassion, patience, cooperation and creativity.

Why are some people and organizations more innovative, more influential and more profitable than others? Why do some people naturally command greater loyalty?

Research shows that what you do with your knee-jerk reaction is key to workplace stress.

Business relationships are often rocky due to poor communication, misinterpretation of facts and pressurized environments. Mole hills become mountains and mistakes become disasters in the course of a day.

Whether you are the president of the company or the assistant who sets up the conference room — your communication style can have an enormous affect on others.

Knee Jerk Reactions that Create Stress:
Passive or Aggressive Communication
When you don’t proactively ask for what you want or need from your employees/boss – you are passively communicating. With a passive style, you don’t often share your true thoughts and feelings, especially if you think it will lead to conflict. You aren’t direct and succinct during or after confrontation.

Passive communicators often believe they ‘aren’t good enough’ and that ‘other people are better’, and so you take the ‘one down’ position. This creates resentment and long-term stress. You might resort to sarcasm or gossip to indirectly communicate your feelings — neither are helpful.

If you use aggressive communication, you take the ‘one-up’ position. You might attack, belittle, blame, criticize and generally denigrate the other person to get what you want.

People who speak with an aggressive style tend to use the words, ‘always’ and ‘never.’ For example, an aggressive communicator might say, “You never finish your reports on time. You’re always sloppy!”

You might think your aggressive style is direct and effective but it tears down feelings of equality. Trust, faith, safety and goodwill in your workplace relationships will erode. People will eventually leave you or turn on you.

Reactions that Reduce Stress:
Assertive Communication
Assertive communication is a balanced communication style that privileges each voice in the conversation equally. An assertive communicator will freely and respectfully disclose their feelings, thoughts, wants and needs in a way that can be heard by the other.

The basis of assertive communication is to treat all people equally. You support yourself in having a perspective and a voice, and you also respect that your employee has a perspective and a voice that may be different from yours, but is just as valuable.

Assertive communicators use ‘I’ language to express their thoughts and feelings.

Assertive communicators will expect that differences will arise in their team and be prepared to move into difficult and anxiety-provoking discussions with a goal of equality and resolution.

An assertive communicator doesn’t blame others for how they feel which is an important distinction from the aggressive communicator who will often blame others for the way they are feeling.

How to Shift Your Knee Jerk Response

1. Take a breath or 2 or 3. Slow yourself down for the briefest of pauses—just enough time to subvert your default reaction. In that moment, notice your gut reaction. How do you tend to handle poor performance? Do you get angry? Stressed? Needy? Distant? Your goal is to give people what they need to perform, not what you need to release.

2. Decide on the outcome you want. Be specific — maybe it’s improved performance. What does this particular person need in order to turn around this particular poor performance or failure? Maybe it’s help defining a stronger strategy, or brainstorming different tactics, or identifying what went right. Maybe they need to know you trust them, you’re on their side and that mistakes happen.

3. Choose a response that will achieve the outcome you want, rather than simply making your already obvious displeasure more obvious.

The added bonus in changing your knee-jerk response? It will improve your marriage and personal relationships, as well. An extra goody for you and everyone in your life.

Do Your Relationships Stumble?

By Elizabeth Galanti in People Pleasing, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Stress Management

February 2015

I often see at least one of these characteristics as interfering in relationships:

Do you frequently go along with what other people want and disregard your own needs?
Do you make decisions based on pleasing others?
Do you stay in relationships too long?
Do you use sarcasm as a way to express your dissatisfaction with someone?
Are you always trying to make people happy?
Do you get silently angry with others because your needs aren’t met?
Are you afraid to assert yourself?
Do you occasionally lash out in anger?
Is the thought of conflict scary?
Have you been told you are too clingy or dependent?

If you have any of these self-sacrificing, conflict-avoiding or people-pleasing tendencies, you may be attracted to people who are controlling or enjoy that you focus more on them. They may also be attracted to you because you let things go their way and you might even push their bad behavior under the rug.

However, this can be an unhealthy mix. You are likely to get tired of your partner always getting their way or tired of their behavior. You may resent losing your autonomy and start withdrawing or become passive-aggressive.

Stephanie was dating Brett. He was strong, confident, and easily took charge. Brett knew what he wanted and Stephanie was happy to go along because it pleased him. This contributed to his falling in love with her. They married and everything went well for a few years.

Then Stephanie began to resent the fact that he made all the decisions in their lives. She wanted to begin a family and he wasn’t ready to have children yet. She tried to go along with Brett’s wishes so she stuffed her own feelings down deep inside.

This was such an important issue for her that eventually she became angry with frequent outbursts and threats of divorce. She didn’t even realize what was happening, blamed him for being so controlling and started to withdraw from him emotionally.

Brett was confused and responded with equally combative statements, wondering what happened to his supportive wife. He never asked her how she was feeling, in a loving and supportive way. She never asked him for what she needed with compassion and honesty.

Their walls went up and the room grew cold.

Their pairing had started out well but it floundered. She was stuck in a conflict-avoiding and people-pleasing pattern while he was stuck in a controlling pattern. This destroyed their love for one another.

As in the case of Stephanie, even when you are trying to please your partner or avoid conflict or suppress your own needs, those negative emotions will eventually surface and tear you apart inside.

The resolution? Self-awareness of when you are giving too much of yourself away and assertiveness to speak for your needs, wants and desires:

Be in touch with your needs.
Ask for what you want.
Set limits and boundaries with people.
Explore your fears as to what might happen if someone got to know you from the inside.
Give yourself compassion and self-love so you feel solid even if you aren’t in a relationship.

In order to get there, you will need the courage to face your fears and develop confidence in the right to have your own thoughts/opinions. It takes practice but you can speak to others with love and respect for what you need.

Speaking out with anger, bluntness or sarcasm — doesn’t count.

You can unlock a whole new world of being a self-respecting, authentic and genuine person in your relationships.

People will love you for it.

Goal Setting with Journaling: To Live Life Fully

By Elizabeth Galanti in Mindfulness, Self-Esteem, Stress Management, Work Issues

January 2015

Sometimes you may feel stressed because you are not achieving things that are important to you or your focus seems to take you in the wrong direction. Daily stress and underlying tension can result from a lifestyle that doesn’t align with your values or goals.

Brain science has shown numerous benefits to journaling that include processing feelings and brainstorming solutions. This can not only relieve stress, but also help you attain goals by providing an opportunity to work through problems, find solutions, and keep from getting stuck in unhealthy patterns.

Use these goal setting journaling techniques to get in touch with your goals and align your priorities.

Personal & Professional Goal Setting with a Journal:

Ask yourself – What do I really want – at my very core? If you had a magic wand, what would you like to see included in your future? Ignoring the ideas of how you’ll get there, vividly imagine your ideal life, and what would be included in it. Begin to list the a couple changes and goals to go from ‘here to there.’
Continue to dream and plan as you journal – and take small steps to begin a shift. It might be as simple as taking a class that you think will get you closer to your dream job or scheduling an “informational interview” with someone who works in a profession that you’d like to move into. Pat yourself on the back for success and work through frustration of setbacks.
Make updates to your goals as they change with you. Sometimes the pursuit of one goal will lead to growth that will lead to the realization that a different direction would be better for you.
Record gratitude. It’s important to write about all the things for which you are grateful. This form of journaling can helps you develop the habit an “attitude of gratitude.” This can decrease stress, increase awareness of how far you’ve come and help you realize progress.
Acknowledge your emotions to create goals. After moving to a different city – I realized I felt lonely. So, I created a goal to find new friends, have more quality talk-time with old friend and put more fun into 2014. By volunteering, taking some cooking classes and asking people to go out to coffee/lunch — my life changed dramatically in 1 year. Now, I feel “filled up, included, connected and part of.”

As you write — and dream – and plan — and feel – then notice if there are any Inner Critics that come up. An Inner Critic is that voice inside of you that may say things like, “You need to stay small. You can’t do that. You don’t deserve that. You’re incapable of doing that. People will laugh at you if you try that. You’re too old to make changes. Give up. Stop trying. You’re defective. What’s wrong with you?”

The Inner Critic – although its messages are harsh – those voices are actually trying to protect you in some way. They are afraid of you trying something new or different – they are afraid you’ll get hurt or be judged or ridiculed or be unsafe in some way.
Inner Critics can block you from achieving your goals. Inner Critics eventually lead to regret as time passes – “I wish I had tried that or done that – but now it’s too late.”

Record your Inner Critics (and journal about them!) as you hear them. See if you can get an understanding of why they don’t want you to pursue something new/different.

A professional can help remove these blocks to set you on a path of freedom and more choices.

Journaling moves goals and the blockages from the unconscious to the conscious level. Once conscious – you can begin to live a new life.

The Gift of Saying “No”: Moving out of Co-Dependence

By Elizabeth Galanti in Addiction, People Pleasing, Self-Esteem, Stress Management

December 2014

Is someone else’s problem your problem? Are you overly responsible for a friend or loved one – their problems – their behavior? If you’ve lost sight of your own life in the drama of tending to someone else’s, you may be codependent.

Signs of Codependency

•   Have difficulty saying “no”.
•   Inability to set and enforce boundaries with people.
•   Try to please people and resent it later.
•   Have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility for another.
• Experience hypervigilance around other people’s emotions.
•   Wonder why people don’t do for you what you do for them.
•   Feel like a martyr, victim or benefactor to your partner.
•   Feel worthy and valued when you are in a crisis.
•   Get angry when somebody doesn’t take your advice.
• Focus on others with unawareness of what you want/need.
•   Mistake codependency as love and caring.

Your codependent behavior likely started out as self-protection. You might have come from a background where things were out of control. As a child, perhaps the only defense you had was keeping an eye out for trouble, becoming invisible, or becoming the “little helper.”

Breaking the Cycle

Say No To Being Overly Responsible: The first step is to accept the reality of the problem and take responsibility for your part in the dynamic. Muster up your courage and say “no” to being responsible for another adult. It’s not your job to run around with a safety net to rescue them.
Say No To Obsessing about Other People’s Problems: It means trusting that the other person has the ability to take care of their own life. “Guilt” is not your badge of honor to wear when someone does not take responsibility for getting help for their problems. Speak honestly about how their problem is impacting you — then walk away. Let them fix it.
Say No to Being Attached to Other’s Harmful Behaviors: Develop a support system through healthy relationships with others and a God of your understanding (or higher power) – to detach from others’ harmful behaviors. You can still love the person without liking or enabling their behavior.
Say No to Letting Others Cross Your Boundaries: Practice finding a place of calm inside of you when your loved one gets angry or protests after you set a boundary with them. Boundaries are a loving hug. Children need boundaries and so do adults whose behavior is negatively impacting you.

Saying no is a muscle that can be exercised and strengthened over time. Keep practicing and you will find it easier.

Feel like you need more support? Al-Anon is a great place to start.

Has Someone Hijacked Your Brain? Addiction.

By Elizabeth Galanti in Addiction

November 2014

The word “addiction” is derived from a Latin term for “enslaved by” or “bound to.” Anyone who has struggled to overcome an addiction—or has tried to help someone else to do so—understands why.

Addiction exerts a long and powerful influence on the brain that manifests in three distinct ways: craving for the object of addiction, loss of control over it and continuing involvement with it despite adverse consequences.

For many years, experts believed that only alcohol, prescription medications and illegal drugs could cause addiction. Neuroimaging technologies and more recent research, however, have shown that many activities can also take over the brain and become an addiction, including:
•   Gambling
•   Shopping
•   Emotional eating
•   Pornography
• Relationships
• Smoking
•   Sex
•   Work

Do I have addiction?
Determining whether you have addiction isn’t completely straightforward. And admitting it isn’t easy, largely because of the stigma and shame associated with addiction. But acknowledging the problem is the first step toward recovery.

Answering “yes” to any of the following three questions suggests you might have a problem with addiction and should—at the very least—consult a mental health counselor for further evaluation and guidance.

1.   Do you use more of the substance or engage in the behavior more often than in the past?
2.   Do you have withdrawal symptoms when you don’t have the substance or engage in the behavior?
3.   Have you ever lied to anyone about your use of the substance or extent of your behavior?

4 Steps to Make a Change:
1. Face your reality & tell yourself the truth
Are you experiencing any of these feelings related to your behaviors: shame, guilt, fear, hopelessness, regret, powerlessness, sadness, depression or anxiety? If you have a little voice inside you saying, “there’s a problem” or people in your life are telling you that — it is time to listen.

2. Be Curious about the possibility of change
Are you curious about the underlying cause of your addictive behavior? Ask yourself, “Do I want my life to be better?” Ponder the possibility of change.

3. Befriend your Inner Critic
“Making friends” with that self-critical voice does not mean accepting what it tells you as the truth. What it does mean is that you must learn to both hear the message and explore it to understand what is behind those messages. That Critic actually has a positive intent for you – even though its messages are negative, shaming and maybe even cruel. Finding its positive intent will unlock the door to stop the self-loathing.

4. Make a choice and take an action
Do you know what you want for your life — personally, professionally, spiritually, physically and emotionally? You are the only one who can decide the direction to take. When it feels like you have no choices — you are likely choosing to “do nothing.”
Consider getting a mentor, mental health counselor, spiritual advisor or joining a 12-step program for ongoing support, guidance and aide. You don’t have to do it alone.

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