Archive | Relationships

Resentment is like drinking poison & thinking the other person will die

By Elizabeth Galanti in Anger, People Pleasing, Relationships

May 2014

Perhaps you have had an experience where someone hurts you, intentionally or otherwise, and you deny your emotions by shoving them into a box, labeled “I’ll deal with this someday.” However, someday never comes and all the stuff in the box transforms into icky, sticky resentment that begins to burn a hole in your gut.

Letting go of resentment is a 3-legged stool:

1. Practice forgiveness
You cannot control what other people do, but you can control how you react. When you practice truthful living, self-expression, and forgiveness, resentment simply has no place or power in your life. The ability to wholly and truly forgive is one of the greatest gifts you can ever give yourself.

Forgiveness sets you free. When you forgive, you stop letting your past dictate your present. When you embrace forgiveness, resentment ceases to exist.

2. Express yourself

To deny your feelings is to deny truth. What kind of life are you living if it is not grounded in truth?

All emotions are good – meaningful – and are meant to be expressed.

When someone hurts you, you have a responsibility to express your pain. You also need to take ownership for your side of the street that might have lead to some of your own hurt feelings. It is your right to express that pain in an effective, healthy manner.

3. Communicate with love
It takes strength and courage to express your pain to the people who hurt you. In doing so, you expose your vulnerable side—the very part that you want to protect and keep safe.

The next time someone hurts you, try telling them how you feel. For example, “When you ignore me, I feel unappreciated.” Choose the right words and tone.

Set a boundary from a calm and balanced frame of mind without a shaming/blaming agenda. For example, “I won’t talk to you on the phone if you’ve had more than 2 drinks.” That boundary is simple and straightforward. Then, stick to it.

Your main motivation for expressing your feelings and setting healthy boundaries is to live life without resentment or regrets.

Where there’s less resentment — there’s more love.

I’ll Never Regret that I’ve Forgiven

By Elizabeth Galanti in Anger, Relationships, Self-Esteem

April 2014

Most people want to let go of their resentments and connect with people genuinely. It feels better to run through the fields in flowing cotton garments — not sit around in pajamas, twisted with bitterness.

It’s one thing to want to forgive someone intellectually – and quite another to actually feel that forgiveness – deep down to the bone.

And forgiveness can be confusing. If you forgive, does it mean that person is off the hook?

It’s as if one part of your brain is saying “It’s all good” and another is saying, “Ah, I don’t think so.”

Here is one client’s story to finding the key to forgiveness:

1. Thoughts Are Linked to Feelings
A few years ago, Chrissie was engaged to be married and she had a nasty argument with her sister with an exchange of angry words. Chrissie’s sister backed out of the wedding party and they hadn’t spoken since.

Chrissie was now pregnant and wanted her sister to be part of her life – but she didn’t know how to forgive her sister and extend the olive branch.

After a few sessions, Chrissie realized that her “I’m not good enough” radar was going off big time. Her hurt feelings were due to what she thought of herself deep down.

She also realized that her anger and resentment were playing a big role to protect her from feeling hurt. All of which blocked her from forgiving.

Like the unpeeling of an onion, Chrissie accessed new layers of understanding as she talked about her thoughts and feelings, such as – she never considered the perspective of her sister. Chrissie said, “I never thought about how hurt my sister must have been. I was always too busy thinking about my own hurt and my anger.”

At that moment, Chrissy stopped blaming her sister for her own feelings of hurt. And, began to inch toward forgiveness.

2. Feelings Need to be Noticed
Many people try to deal with their feelings by ignoring them.

Instead – try this. Just notice your thoughts and feelings — without getting caught up in them. Listen to them without trying to judge or fight with them. Feel them in your body while taking deep breaths to calm those feelings.

Chrissie said, “For years I tried to push down those feelings by working longer hours at work and totally burying them. But, as I increase the attention to my feelings — my anger and sadness decrease.  I feel more understood – which brings me more peace. It’s actually the opposite of how I always thought it worked.”

I’ll Never Regret That I Asked for Forgiveness

After Chrissie reached the place of forgiving her sister – she realized she needed to ask her sister for forgiveness.

The first step was to honestly assess and acknowledge the wrongs she had done and how those wrongs had affected others. As Chrissie went through this process, I helped her to avoid judging herself too harshly.

Chrissie was now truly sorry for her side of the street and was ready to admit that to her sister.

Chrissie wrote her sister a letter that spoke from her heart — of her sincere sorrow and regret — and then specifically asked her sister for forgiveness. Five months later, Chrissie received a phone call from her sister who expressed her own sorrow, remorse and asked Chrissie for forgiveness.

Chrissie said, “The biggest lesson I learned is that I can’t force someone to forgive me and I have to take responsibility for my own feelings and actions. Getting in touch with my feelings gave me greater capacity for love — love for myself and for my sister.”

10 Commandments of Love

By Elizabeth Galanti in Relationships, Self-Esteem

February 2014

Since February is the month of love, I decided to bring you the 10 Commandments of Love, as written by Dr. Stan Tatkin — the author of Wired for Loveand Love and War in Intimate Relationships. He is a teacher, writer, researcher and psychotherapist in the area of couples and secure functioning relationships.

Dr. Tatkin has come up with his 10 commandments for relationship essentials that beautifully capture the most important qualities in healthy relationships.

1. THOU SHALT protect the safety and security of thy relationship at all costs.

2. THOU SHALT base thy relationship on true mutuality, remembering that all decisions and actions must be good for thee AND for thine relationship.

3. THOU SHALT appoint thy partner as go-to person for all matters, making certain thy partner is first to know — not second, third, or fourth — in all matters of importance.

4. THOU SHALT not threaten the existence of the relationship, for so doing would benefit no one.

5. THOU SHALT provide a tether to thy partner all the days and nights of thy life, and never fail to greet thy partner with good cheer.

6. THOU SHALT protect thy partner in public and in private from harmful elements, including thyself.

7. THOU SHALT put thy partner to bed each night and awaken with thy partner each morning.

8. THOU SHALT correct all errors, including injustices and injuries, at once or as soon as possible, and not make dispute of who was the original perpetrator.

9. THOU SHALT base thy relationship on true mutuality, remembering that all decisions and actions must be good for thee AND for thine partner.

10. THOU SHALT learn thy partner well and master the ways of seduction, influence and persuasion without the use of fear or threat.

For many, these attributes bring about a feeling of safety, love and equality in a relationship.

What about thou? How might thou and thou partner draw closer?

10 Tips to Navigate Conflict in a Relationship

By Elizabeth Galanti in Relationships

January 2014

Try this formula to create a win-win framework for discussing important issues without judgment or blame.

1. Raise the issue at an appropriate time that works for both of you.

2. If it’s not a good time for one of you, set a time/date to discuss the issue.

3. Agree to discuss one issue and stay on track.

4. Begin the conversation by asking your partner to describe how they feel related to the issue. Your role is to listen.

5. When they are finished, respond by re-stating what you have heard. Check with them to see if your understanding is correct. Your role is to understand.

6. Ask open-ended questions to allow your partner to go deeper into their side of the issue. ‘What’, ‘How’ and ‘When’ questions are good. ‘Why’ questions are not allowed. Your role is to clarify.

7. Once you fully understand what your partner is saying, validate their perspective. Stay away from problem-solving. Your role is to help them feel understood.

8. Respond with empathy, such as, “I hear you saying you feel [insert feeling] about this issue. Is that right?” Your role is to build connection.

9. It’s time to switch roles. Ask your partner to use the same structure. Your role is to now share your own feelings openly.

10. If at any point, you or your partner begin to feel triggered and upset – take a time-out and schedule another time to pick up the conversation.

Go in peace.

People Pleasing Hurts Relationships

By Elizabeth Galanti in People Pleasing, Relationships

November 2013

People Pleasing has a nice sound to it. But, people who are stuck in this pattern – don’t typically feel good. Do you put energy into catering to other people’s desires/wants while ignoring your own?

See if these statements apply to one or more relationships in your life:

I want what they want.
I avoid speaking my mind.
I feel better when certain people are happy with me.
I have a tough time saying, “No”.
I try hard not to show anger.

If you have a People Pleasing pattern, you may try to become what others want you to be. You may not be consciously aware that you are doing this. Ask yourself if you are trying to please others to avoid certain reactions – such as anger or rejection.

Mary’s husband tells her that he is upset that she hasn’t put more time into planning their upcoming trip. Patty immediately feels bad and tries to figure out how to make him happy while juggling the kids, chores and a job. She might feel frustrated or irritated – yet, feels that she can’t express herself. Her only thought is: I need him to stop being upset with me.

If you have pleasing tendencies, you may be attracted to a person who is controlling. This relationship might work for a while. But, you may also become irritated and passive-aggressive after you realize you’ve lost your voice in the relationship.

If you are married to a People Pleaser, ask yourself: Am I being bossy? Am I telling my spouse what to do? Do I shut my partner down when they try to express their needs? How do I react when they disagree with me?

If you want to break your People Pleasing pattern:

Evaluate boundaries: Learn how to identify unacceptable treatment from others and set limits.
Look at your fears: You might be afraid that someone won’t like you or you will be rejected if you don’t go along.
Practice saying “no”: Try saying, “No thanks”. Or, “That’s not what I want – here’s why.”
Be assertive: Don’t walk away from the conflict too quickly. Ask for more discussion the next day, if you did withdraw.
Work towards balance and compromise: Whenever there’s disagreement, aim for a solution that will meet both desires so there’s collaberation – not pleasing.

Nobody Wins the Blame Game

By Elizabeth Galanti in Anger, Relationships, Stress Management

October 2013

How many times have you said these words, “It’s not my fault, don’t blame me!”? – and then heard these words back from your spouse or partner.

When you are have difficulty in a relationship, you tend to feel vulnerable and find fault with your spouse as a means to protect yourself.

When I work with couples, they often tell me of a recent fight and each of them only remembers the hurtful words from the other person.

Why Does This Happen?
Your psyche is composed of many different parts with different emotions. You might have feelings on opposite ends of the spectrum, “A part of gets so irritated when my husband criticizes me and another part of me just melts when he looks me in the eyes with affection and respect.”

If your spouse judges, criticizes or pulls away from you, it can trigger a Hurt Child part of you that feels sad, worthless or unlovable. Then a Blaming Part of you might blast your partner so you don’t experience the unbearable feelings of the Hurt Child.

When The Blamer gets angry and judges your spouse, it is primarily trying to protect you from feeling attacked. The Blaming Part wants to shift the fault to your partner so your Hurt Child is safe.

Couples are particularly prone to using blame to protect from the emotional havoc of feeling blamed, judged, shamed, unlovable, criticized and/or worthless.

What Can You Do?
A good way to shift out of the blame-game is to make an effort to be aware of your parts and take responsibility for them.

Notice when something comes up inside of you that feels “icky”. Take a time-out. Slow everything down. Feel the various parts emerge.

Be with the Blamer and Hurt Child in a loving way to ease their intensity and pain. This opens up compassion for yourself and for your spouse.

By realizing that many of your fights are the result of parts getting triggered, you can ease the friction to allow for understanding and softness.

Ultimately, you begin to catch the blaming before it starts – and end a game that is always a lose-lose.

Soothing the Sizzle of Anger

By Elizabeth Galanti in Anger, Mindfulness, Relationships

August 2013

I know about anger. For a number of years, I provided counseling to men and women who had encountered some type of serious problems due to their anger. Those problems were usually evident in their home, at work and/or in relationships.

I helped people understand that there are 4 styles of communication:

(1) Aggressive: You let hurtful, angry things fly out of your mouth that send the signal to the other person – “ You don’t count.”

(2) Passive: You stuff your feelings down that sends a signal to yourself – “I don’t count.” Over time, you may experience a lot of pain as you keep your emotions bottled up.

(3) Passive-Aggressive: Outwardly attempting to please people while rebelling against them in subtle ways that leave them frustrated and confused.

(4) Assertive: You speak FOR your anger (instead of FROM your anger) which sends the message, “You and I both count” so the other person feels valued while you express your feelings and bring up tender topics.

EXERCISE: Think of a time in the recent past where you were angry, agitated, irritated, resentful, blaming, defensive or sarcastic — even if you didn’t show it on the outside. Envision that moment and allow yourself to feel the same emotions as when it was happening and recalling the words that you said silently to yourself or aloud to another person.

As you re-experience it right now — notice where you feel that anger/irritation in your body.

Experience the discomfort — allow yourself to feel the anger without judging it — don’t try to change it. Just be with it.

Notice the words/phrases that you’re hearing inside of you (he was jerk –she was bossy – he acts like a know-it-all – she disrespected me – he’s a big mouth– she makes me feel like a nobody — they didn’t include me — etc.).

Now, take a few moments to calm yourself right now — being conscious to use self-soothing, calming words (“It’s ok – I’m ok – That other person is not here right now – I’m safe – I can relax right now – I’m not in that situation right now.”).

See what emotion is being covered up and protected by the anger…. perhaps it is sadness – loneliness – fear – hurt – worry – shame – abandonment – worthlessness – feeling unloved?

Once you begin to gain a deeper understanding of what’s underneath your anger – you can respond to people around you in a way that demonstrates you care for them and you care for yourself.

You can live your life with respect for your anger — and the wisdom that it holds.

Secret Sauce to Better Relationships

By Elizabeth Galanti in Relationships

July 2013

When I conduct Conflict Resolution Workshops, people typically attend because they have at least one relationship in their life that they want to improve. Some people attend because they want to strengthen their relationship with their spouses – others want better communication with their children. When I conduct a Conflict Resolution Workshop in a workplace setting, people usually want better teamwork so work gets done more easily.

In a recent workshop, I asked the question, “What is the secret sauce to solid relationships and resolve conflict?” I even gave a hint – it starts with the letter “C”.

The answer shouted out first was, “Communication!”

I explained that communication is important, of course – but there’s something even more basic. Without the secret sauce, you won’t have good communication especially when conflict begins to brew.

What followed was silence as people pondered the answer.

I let the silence sit for 30 seconds and then asked, “What are you thinking right now?”

A woman said, “I am wondering what the answer is.”

I responded, “Are you curious?”

She said, “Yes. I am curious.”

I responded, “That’s it!”

Curiosity is the secret sauce to communication – to strong relationships – to connection with others — and to overcome conflict effectively and quickly.

When you interact with someone from a point of curiosity, you are able to:
Suspend your own feelings/emotions (momentarily) so you can increase your understanding from their perspective – which then widens your own perspective.
Send the message, “I care about your thoughts and feelings right now.”
Soothe your own knee-jerk reactivity and defensiveness so not to be hijacked by fast-moving emotions like anger, sarcasm or shutting down.
Listen with more clarity and less judgement.
Speak for your feelings/emotion with a sense of compassion.

Successful communication is not about winning – it’s about resolving conflict in ways that honor you and the other person.

Curiosity transforms us with child-like wonderment so we can have better adult-like conversations.

What the Heck is Stress Anyway?

By elizabethgalanti@gmail.com in Relationships, Stress Management, Work Issues

May 2013

Even though it might not feel good, stress is a normal bodily response when you perceive a situation of threat. Stress readies our body for “fight or flight” – also called the stress response. There are several body functions that change when you are stressed – heart rate increases, sweat glands engage, digestion decreases, blood pressure increases. The body is trying to prepare you for a fight or to flee the situation.

Stress is a normal protection mechanism and is an aspect of healthy living when it’s in small, manageable doses. Minor levels of stress are effective in motivating you to study for an exam, focusing your efforts at work to prepare for a big meeting, to get out of the house to rake the leaves on a chilly Fall day and to take the kids shopping for new clothes the week before school starts.

The problem comes when you are in situations where stress is elevated over long periods of time – or stressful events occur frequently – or life hits you like a tidal wave. It’s at this point, that stress can cause damage – physically, emotionally and relationally.

The symptoms of stress overload and burnout are different for different people. If you experience some of the following – you might be in stress overload:

Feeling overwhelmed
Irritation or anger
Fear and anxiety
Depression
Feelings of loneliness
Ongoing worry
Racing thoughts
Inability to concentrate
Difficulty in making decisions
Rapid heart rate
Chest pains
Frequent stomach problems or headaches
Nausea
Change in eating (too much or too little)
Difficulty sleeping or excessive sleeping
Using alcohol, drugs or smoking to relax
Excessive time in front of the TV or Internet
Engaging in activities you later regret (gambling, pornography, chat rooms)

It is always good to see your doctor for a full physical if you experience any of these problems to rule out any physical or medical reasons.

If you recognize that you’re getting burned out – it might be time to focus on stress management. It might be time to focus on you.

Peace be with you,

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