Archive | Self-Esteem

Anxiety — Fear — Worry. Oh My!

By Elizabeth Galanti in Anxiety, Mindfulness, Self-Esteem, Stress Management

March 2014

The distinction between “anxiety”, “fear” and “worry” is minimal and often indistinguishable. Whatever your emotional vocabulary, these feelings are uncomfortable, sometimes debilitating and not easy to avoid once they move in.

Unhappiness and discomfort in life is typically fueled by a few emotions; including anxiety, fear, and worry. They may feel like guests who showed up at your door and don’t want to leave. When tragedy or hardship hits, they might tighten their grip, setting up home in your head and heart.

These emotions can wash over you like a tidal wave or be an undercurrent of your daily life. Unrelenting doubts and fears can interfere with good quality of life while sapping your emotional energy.

Sara, a client from years ago, said to me, “I fear failure. I worry about being rejected. And, I certainly avoid making any mistakes. That’s just who I am and I’ve always been with way.”. Sara had difficulty sleeping through the night, was snapping at her husband/children and was eating more due to stress. She sought help from me to experience more joy in daily life, worry less and sleep better

In one of the early sessions with Sara – she asked if we could use scripture verses in our work because they gave her peace, comfort and security — and tied into her identity as a Christian. Together, we chose this verse:
“The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?” (Psalm 118:6/ESV)

Sara began to shift into a new reality that she could live life without fear and anxiety in the forefront. She was able to relax her anxious parts and address those fears with a calm and heart-felt interest. Sara began to get to know these uninvited guests with patience and curiosity. As her understanding and compassion for those emotions increased – their grip decreased – and she welcomed them with open arms.

Only when we heal the anxiety/fear and stop trying to make it go away – can we begin to live more fully in the present moment and move into the future with courage, clarity and hope.

Peace be with you.

10 Commandments of Love

By Elizabeth Galanti in Relationships, Self-Esteem

February 2014

Since February is the month of love, I decided to bring you the 10 Commandments of Love, as written by Dr. Stan Tatkin — the author of Wired for Loveand Love and War in Intimate Relationships. He is a teacher, writer, researcher and psychotherapist in the area of couples and secure functioning relationships.

Dr. Tatkin has come up with his 10 commandments for relationship essentials that beautifully capture the most important qualities in healthy relationships.

1. THOU SHALT protect the safety and security of thy relationship at all costs.

2. THOU SHALT base thy relationship on true mutuality, remembering that all decisions and actions must be good for thee AND for thine relationship.

3. THOU SHALT appoint thy partner as go-to person for all matters, making certain thy partner is first to know — not second, third, or fourth — in all matters of importance.

4. THOU SHALT not threaten the existence of the relationship, for so doing would benefit no one.

5. THOU SHALT provide a tether to thy partner all the days and nights of thy life, and never fail to greet thy partner with good cheer.

6. THOU SHALT protect thy partner in public and in private from harmful elements, including thyself.

7. THOU SHALT put thy partner to bed each night and awaken with thy partner each morning.

8. THOU SHALT correct all errors, including injustices and injuries, at once or as soon as possible, and not make dispute of who was the original perpetrator.

9. THOU SHALT base thy relationship on true mutuality, remembering that all decisions and actions must be good for thee AND for thine partner.

10. THOU SHALT learn thy partner well and master the ways of seduction, influence and persuasion without the use of fear or threat.

For many, these attributes bring about a feeling of safety, love and equality in a relationship.

What about thou? How might thou and thou partner draw closer?

Calming the Inner Critic

By Elizabeth Galanti in Addiction, Self-Esteem, Stress Management, Work Issues

September 2013

You likely know it’s there and have some awareness of it. The Inner Critic is that critical or shaming voice inside of your head that evaluates, criticizes, pushes, or critiques you. It might tell you that you are not good enough or that you are too much. It might be more global and say overarching things such as — you’re bad.

That Critic might push you to do/accomplish more — feeling like a slavedriver. Or, it might shame you after you’ve done something “wrong” such as making a mistake, eating too much or getting angry. It might tell you that you’re too big, your needs aren’t important or that you are being a nuisance to others.

If you feel inadequate or awful about yourself — it’s time to focus on your Inner Critic.

I was recently reading the lovely work of Jay Early and Bonnie Weiss (Personal Growth Programs). They have identified 7 types of Inner Critics:

TaskMaster pushes you very hard to accomplish a lot. It wants you to work hard and be successful. It fears that you may be mediocre or lazy and will be judged a failure. It drives you to work harder..

Perfectionist is all about quality of work — mistakes and flaws are not acceptable. This Critic has high standards and it does not want you to be judged, rejected or criticized.

Underminer is very uncomfortable with risk. It tries to undermine your self-confidence and self-esteem and wants you to stay small to avoid failing, being hurt, judged or rejected.

Molder doesn’t allow for individuality and wants you to fit a mold that comes from society, your family or culture. It attacks you for not acting in a certain way and prevents your free expression.

Inner Controller tries to prevent pleasurable, decadent or addictive behavior that might not be good for you; overeating, drinking, sexual activity.  It fears that you will get out of control.

Guilt-Tripper crushes your conscience for some specific action you have taken (or not taken). It tries to protect you from repeating past mistakes by making sure you never feel free.

Destroyer depresses you, making pervasive attacks on your self-worth and shaming you. It makes you feel inherently flawed and not entitled to basic understanding/respect.

The question I hear most often in my therapy room is — “Elizabeth, how do I get rid of that self-critical voice and feel better about myself?” The good news is — you can.

As a start — just begin to notice when the Critic surfaces. Try journaling to begin to clearly hear the words of the Inner Critic without hating it or trying to get rid of it — but rather being interested in it. Allow your memories to drift back to what was going on in your life when the Critic started to surface.

Ask the Critic some questions. Why do you push me like that? What are you trying to do for me? What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t criticize/shame me?

My own Critic criticizes/shames me because it is afraid that I’ll fail. That shaming voice inside my head pushes me to succeed. It started in highschool when I realized that I could gain more love/attention from my parents with my success in school and sports. The critical voice is afraid that if I fail — I’ll lose love from those around me.

When I was age 14, the Critic was helpful in pushing me to do well in those formative years of my life. It was developmentally appropriate for my age and helped me set personal, educational and career goals. Although, four decades later — that Critic has the potential of draining my energy and damaging my self-worth. What do you notice about your Critic?

The first step with the Critic is to notice it. Then the shift to soften it can begin.

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