The Gift of Saying “No”: Moving out of Co-Dependence

December 2014

Is someone else’s problem your problem? Are you overly responsible for a friend or loved one – their problems – their behavior? If you’ve lost sight of your own life in the drama of tending to someone else’s, you may be codependent.

Signs of Codependency

•    Have difficulty saying “no”.
•    Inability to set and enforce boundaries with people.
•    Try to please people and resent it later.
•    Have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility for another.
•    Experience hypervigilance around other people’s emotions.
•    Wonder why people don’t do for you what you do for them.
•    Feel like a martyr, victim or benefactor to your partner.
•    Feel worthy and valued when you are in a crisis.
•    Get angry when somebody doesn’t take your advice.
•    Focus on others with unawareness of what you want/need.
•    Mistake codependency as love and caring.

Your codependent behavior likely started out as self-protection.  You might have come from a background where things were out of control.  As a child, perhaps the only defense you had was keeping an eye out for trouble, becoming invisible, or becoming the “little helper.”

Breaking the Cycle

1. Say No To Being Overly Responsible: The first step is to accept the reality of the problem and take responsibility for your part in the dynamic. Muster up your courage and say “no” to being responsible for another adult.  It’s not your job to run around with a safety net to rescue them.
2. Say No To Obsessing about Other People’s Problems: It means trusting that the other person has the ability to take care of their own life.  “Guilt” is not your badge of honor to wear when someone does not take responsibility for getting help for their problems.  Speak honestly about how their problem is impacting you — then walk away. Let them fix it.
3. Say No to Being Attached to Other’s Harmful Behaviors:  Develop a support system through healthy relationships with others and a God of your understanding (or higher power) – to detach from others’ harmful behaviors.  You can still love the person without liking or enabling their behavior.
4. Say No to Letting Others Cross Your Boundaries:  Practice finding a place of calm inside of you when your loved one gets angry or protests after you set a boundary with them. Boundaries are a loving hug.  Children need boundaries and so do adults whose behavior is negatively impacting you.

Saying no is a muscle that can be exercised and strengthened over time.  Keep practicing and you will find it easier.

Feel like you need more support? Al-Anon is a great place to start.