How to Talk About Anything with Anybody

By in Relationships

December 2015

  1. Create a safe, trusting space. First, check your emotions. If you are angry, disappointed or afraid, the person will either mirror your emotions or shut down. Remember why this relationship is important to you and choose to feel curious, compassionate, caring, respectful, and/or hopeful. Then consider how a change will help both of you.
  2. Ask for permission. “Open the door before you walk in” by asking the person if he or she would be willing to resolve a problem that is having an impact on your relationship. If the person hesitates, sincerely share why the relationship is important to you and ask if there is a better time to talk.
  3. Start by describing your perspective. Once the person says yes to your request, be specific when describing what behavior you witnessed and what words you thought the person said. Own your observation; share only what you believe you saw or heard.
  4. Describe the impact on you. Describe how you felt when the person did or said something that affected you. Were you hurt, embarrassed, surprised, or disappointed? Speak in “I” statements. Do not blame the person or speculate why he or she behaved that way. Simply state what you experienced.
  5. When the person responds, listen. Do not interrupt or defend yourself. Let the person give you his or her perception and reasons. Steps for listening:- Stay 100% engaged with positive, respectful attention on the person while they are speaking.

    – Release “knowing” what the person is going to share. Be curious.

    – Refrain from formulating what you want to say next while the person is talking. Maintain soft eye contact.

    – Notice when you want to admonish, criticize, inform, defend or give your retort. Calm these urges.

    – Wait until the person is finished before you speak. Then acknowledge what you heard and ask them if you’ve got it right.

  6. Suggest a way forward. This is your chance to ask for what you need the next time. What could the person do that would make you feel respected, acknowledged or loved? Be brief and specific. Ask what you could do differently that would be helpful for them.
  7. End on a positive note. Thank the person for agreeing to talk. Acknowledge what went well in the conversation and its importance to you.
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