People Pleasing Hurts Relationships

November 2013

People Pleasing has a nice sound to it.  But, people who are stuck in this pattern – don’t typically feel good.  Do you put energy into catering to other people’s desires/wants while ignoring your own?

See if these statements apply to one or more relationships in your life:

• I want what they want.
• I avoid speaking my mind.
• I feel better when certain people are happy with me.
• I have a tough time saying, “No”.
• I try hard not to show anger.

If you have a People Pleasing pattern, you may try to become what others want you to be. You may not be consciously aware that you are doing this.  Ask yourself if you are trying to please others  to avoid certain reactions – such as anger or rejection.

Mary’s husband tells her that he is upset that she hasn’t put more time into planning their upcoming trip. Patty immediately feels bad and tries to figure out how to make him happy while juggling the kids, chores and a job. She might feel frustrated or irritated  – yet, feels that she can’t express herself.  Her only thought is: I need him to stop being upset with me.

If you have pleasing tendencies, you may be attracted to a person who is controlling.  This relationship might work for a while.  But, you may also become irritated and passive-aggressive after you realize you’ve lost your voice in the relationship.

If you are married to a People Pleaser, ask yourself:  Am I being bossy?  Am I telling my spouse what to do?  Do I shut my partner down when they try to express their needs?  How do I react when they disagree with me?

If you want to break your People Pleasing pattern:

• Evaluate boundaries:  Learn how to identify unacceptable treatment from others and set limits.
• Look at your fears:  You might be afraid that someone won’t like you or you will be rejected if you don’t go along.
• Practice saying “no”:  Try saying, “No thanks”.  Or, “That’s not what I want – here’s why.”
• Be assertive:  Don’t walk away from the conflict too quickly.  Ask for more discussion the next day, if you did withdraw.
• Work towards balance and compromise:  Whenever there’s disagreement, aim for a solution that will meet both desires so there’s collaberation – not pleasing.