August 2013
I know about anger. For a number of years, I provided counseling to men and women who had encountered some type of serious problems due to their anger. Those problems were usually evident in their home, at work and/or in relationships.
I helped people understand that there are 4 styles of communication:
(1) Aggressive: You let hurtful, angry things fly out of your mouth that send the signal to the other person – “ You don’t count.”
(2) Passive: You stuff your feelings down that sends a signal to yourself – “I don’t count.” Over time, you may experience a lot of pain as you keep your emotions bottled up.
(3) Passive-Aggressive: Outwardly attempting to please people while rebelling against them in subtle ways that leave them frustrated and confused.
(4) Assertive: You speak FOR your anger (instead of FROM your anger) which sends the message, “You and I both count” so the other person feels valued while you express your feelings and bring up tender topics.
EXERCISE: Think of a time in the recent past where you were angry, agitated, irritated, resentful, blaming, defensive or sarcastic — even if you didn’t show it on the outside. Envision that moment and allow yourself to feel the same emotions as when it was happening and recalling the words that you said silently to yourself or aloud to another person.
As you re-experience it right now — notice where you feel that anger/irritation in your body.
Experience the discomfort — allow yourself to feel the anger without judging it — don’t try to change it. Just be with it.
Notice the words/phrases that you’re hearing inside of you (he was jerk –she was bossy – he acts like a know-it-all – she disrespected me – he’s a big mouth– she makes me feel like a nobody — they didn’t include me — etc.).
Now, take a few moments to calm yourself right now — being conscious to use self-soothing, calming words (“It’s ok – I’m ok – That other person is not here right now – I’m safe – I can relax right now – I’m not in that situation right now.”).
See what emotion is being covered up and protected by the anger…. perhaps it is sadness – loneliness – fear – hurt – worry – shame – abandonment – worthlessness – feeling unloved?
Once you begin to gain a deeper understanding of what’s underneath your anger – you can respond to people around you in a way that demonstrates you care for them and you care for yourself.
You can live your life with respect for your anger — and the wisdom that it holds.