September 2014
If the silent treatment is a key part of your marriage — your relationship may be endangered. The silent treatment can spell ruin for a relationship.
Researchers say the cold shoulder is the most common way people deal with marital conflict and the most troublesome. Research indicates that when one partner withdraws in silence or shuts down emotionally because of perceived demands by the other or feelings of hurt — it is felt as both emotional and physical pain.
The more this pattern emerges within your relationship, the greater the chances one or both partners experience heightened levels of anxiety. There is also a higher likelihood that both people will begin to engage in practices to emotionally distance the other person.
When I ask a client why they withdraw – they often label the problem as belonging to their partner. They state they have no other choice — that withdrawing is the only way to feel safe. I often hear that it serves as the best way to “punish” the other person – they want their mate to feel the same pain they feel. Clients often express that the silent treatment is a way of displaying anger in a safe and passive way.
The silent treatment is typically a strategy one learns as a child — to shut somebody out and to punish. Pouting, running away and shutting down can be part of normal development as children learn to interact. But it is an outdated strategy that has no place in healthy, adult relationships.
Researchers find that couples that use the silent treatment, experience lower relationship satisfaction, less intimacy and poorer communication, which is also associated with higher divorce rates.
Conflict is inevitable but how you manage it makes a difference. Try these tips to break unhealthy patterns:
- Be aware of what’s happening. Each person should ask: “Why am I behaving this way? What do I need to do or say to re-connect with my mate?”
- Agree to take a timeout. When the cycle emerges, both partners need to cool their heads and warm their hearts before re-engaging.
- Be careful of what you say. You can never take the words back after they come out of your mouth
- Use “I” statements. Example: “This is how I feel when you stop talking to me.”
- Apologize with sincerity as soon as possible.