July 2013
When I conduct Conflict Resolution Workshops, people typically attend because they have at least one relationship in their life that they want to improve. Some people attend because they want to strengthen their relationship with their spouses – others want better communication with their children. When I conduct a Conflict Resolution Workshop in a workplace setting, people usually want better teamwork so work gets done more easily.
In a recent workshop, I asked the question, “What is the secret sauce to solid relationships and resolve conflict?” I even gave a hint – it starts with the letter “C”.
The answer shouted out first was, “Communication!”
I explained that communication is important, of course – but there’s something even more basic. Without the secret sauce, you won’t have good communication especially when conflict begins to brew.
What followed was silence as people pondered the answer.
I let the silence sit for 30 seconds and then asked, “What are you thinking right now?”
A woman said, “I am wondering what the answer is.”
I responded, “Are you curious?”
She said, “Yes. I am curious.”
I responded, “That’s it!”
Curiosity is the secret sauce to communication – to strong relationships – to connection with others — and to overcome conflict effectively and quickly.
- When you interact with someone from a point of curiosity, you are able to:
- Suspend your own feelings/emotions (momentarily) so you can increase your understanding from their perspective – which then widens your own perspective.
- Send the message, “I care about your thoughts and feelings right now.”
- Soothe your own knee-jerk reactivity and defensiveness so not to be hijacked by fast-moving emotions like anger, sarcasm or shutting down.
- Listen with more clarity and less judgement.
- Speak for your feelings/emotion with a sense of compassion.
Successful communication is not about winning – it’s about resolving conflict in ways that honor you and the other person.
Curiosity transforms us with child-like wonderment so we can have better adult-like conversations.