October 2013
How many times have you said these words, “It’s not my fault, don’t blame me!”? – and then heard these words back from your spouse or partner.
When you are have difficulty in a relationship, you tend to feel vulnerable and find fault with your spouse as a means to protect yourself.
When I work with couples, they often tell me of a recent fight and each of them only remembers the hurtful words from the other person.
Why Does This Happen?
Your psyche is composed of many different parts with different emotions. You might have feelings on opposite ends of the spectrum, “A part of gets so irritated when my husband criticizes me and another part of me just melts when he looks me in the eyes with affection and respect.”
If your spouse judges, criticizes or pulls away from you, it can trigger a Hurt Child part of you that feels sad, worthless or unlovable. Then a Blaming Part of you might blast your partner so you don’t experience the unbearable feelings of the Hurt Child.
When The Blamer gets angry and judges your spouse, it is primarily trying to protect you from feeling attacked. The Blaming Part wants to shift the fault to your partner so your Hurt Child is safe.
Couples are particularly prone to using blame to protect from the emotional havoc of feeling blamed, judged, shamed, unlovable, criticized and/or worthless.
What Can You Do?
A good way to shift out of the blame-game is to make an effort to be aware of your parts and take responsibility for them.
Notice when something comes up inside of you that feels “icky”. Take a time-out. Slow everything down. Feel the various parts emerge.
Be with the Blamer and Hurt Child in a loving way to ease their intensity and pain. This opens up compassion for yourself and for your spouse.
By realizing that many of your fights are the result of parts getting triggered, you can ease the friction to allow for understanding and softness.
Ultimately, you begin to catch the blaming before it starts – and end a game that is always a lose-lose.