July/August 2017
lone·ly [lohn-lee]
The discrepancy between what you want from relationships and what you feel you get
The truth is — we’re all somewhat scared of loneliness to varying degrees:
- of being left out
- of not being loved
- of not being included
- of not being needed
- of being left behind
- of not being cared about
- of being rejected or abandoned
What’s shocking is the increased prevalence of chronic loneliness. John Cacioppo, director and researcher at the University of Chicago, studies loneliness and states it has negatively impacts 2 out of 5 people.
Why?
We aren’t as closely bound. We no longer live in multi-generational villages with grandparents, cousins and aunts/uncles living in the same house or 3 blocks away.
Divorce numbers are high – so more families are disjointed and disorganized.
Companies are less loyal and no longer provide the stability of a life-long job. Losing a job or constantly moving for career opportunities creates a feeling of not belonging.
What’s the Cure for Lonely?
(1) Admit it
(2) Realize that the loss of close friends/connections is normal
(3) Do something to rebuild it
My book recommendation is, Friendships Don’t Just Happen by Shasta Nelson. Even though it is written for women — men can gleam a lot of wisdom from the author’s ideas
Shasta smashes the myth that we should wait for friendship to happen to us and she normalizes the fact that friends come and go.
The author confidently states that friendships that ward off “lonely” have 2 endearing qualities; (1) deeper levels of intimacy and (2) consistency.
“I need friends” is not an admittance of failure — it’s an admittance of the truth that friendships change and we need to do something to nourish ourselves.
Friendships Don’t Just Happen lays out a simple, brilliant and executable concept to admit loneliness, embrace its message and then do something about it.
A SPECIAL NOTE ABOUT THE ELDERLY & LONELY:
Having lived with my 93-year old mother the last year of her life — I understand the loneliness that is unique to the very old. They don’t have the same vigor or ability to maintain connections.
The elderly often feel “who would want to be friends with an old person.” Yet, they still crave connection because they are still humans beings.
Befriend someone who is old. Be their window to the world.
I’ve been doing that for the last year. My new and special friend is Agnes — she’s 96. I see her 3-4 times a week. Agnes tells me stories about her life and asks me to tell stories about mine.
Agnes is a faith-filled woman who asked me last week with a bit of trepidation in her voice, “Elizabeth, will you pray for me?” I smiled and responded, “For the rest of my life.” She smiled back lovingly and stated, “And I’ll pray for you, my friend.”
Anyone who says, “old people have nothing to give” …. has never met Agnes.