April 2016
Dr. Brené Brown is a research professor and has spent a lifetime studying shame and self-esteem. I recommend her book frequently, Daring Greatly, a #1 New York Times Bestseller.
She describes her work as “ a career in studying shame and its impact on women, men and children.” Dr. Brown writes, “The less we understand shame and how it affects our feelings, thoughts and behaviors, the more power it exerts over our lives. However, if we can find the courage to talk about shame and the compassion to listen, we can change the way we live, love, parent, work and build relationships.”
People tend to think that shame is only experienced by those poor souls who had abusive childhoods or survivors of terrible traumas. That’s not the case. Shame is a universal experience that all humans feel.
Shame hits the brains and flips the person into the very primal “fight, flight or freeze” mode. It leads people to pull in or lash out at others with anger, irritation and shaming statements.
In her book, Dr. Brown writes, “To varying degrees, we all know the struggle to feel comfortable with who we are in a society that puts so much importance on being perfect and fitting in. We also know the painful wave of emotion that washes over us when we feel judged or ridiculed about the way we look, our work, our parenting, how we spend our money, our families or even the life experiences over which we had no control.”
She goes on to say, “And it’s not always someone else putting us down or judging us; the most painful shaming experiences are often self-inflicted.”
Wow – did you take that last statement in?! We actually self-inflict upon ourselves those judgmental, critical, painful and condemning statements.
Dr. Brown with a bold and eloquent writing style explains, “Shame forces us to put so much value on what other people think that we lose ourselves in the process of trying to meet everyone else’s expectations.”
An Exercise to Recognize Shame
Ponder Dr. Brown’s words, “To understand how shame is influenced by culture, we need to think back to when we were children or young adults, and we first learned how important it is to be liked, to fit in, and to please others. The lessons were often taught by shame; sometimes overtly, other times covertly. Regardless of how they happened, we can all recall experiences of feeling rejected, diminished and ridiculed. Eventually, we learned to fear these feelings. We learned how to change our behaviors, thinking and feelings to avoid feeling shame. “
Think about or journal about a time in childhood, where you felt shame. You might remember one incident with great clarity or it might be a common thread that runs through several memories. Record the feelings and thoughts that you had during the incident. How did you feel afterwards. What beliefs did you form about yourself or others? Did you want to move towards others or to move away from them? Notice what body sensations you experience as you think about shame. Close your eyes — does that shame feeling have a sound, color, texture, temperature or image that goes along with it? Lastly, think about how that shame scene still influences you today.
Solution: Empathy Dissolves Shame
Experiencing shame can feel like an emotional, spiritual and physical attack on your very being. Developing tools to embrace compassionate self-talk to replace negative self-talk is key. You might begin by reading Brené Brown’s book (Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead) which is chocked full of information and tools.
If you feel that you need more help, seek out a mentor, priest/pastor, spiritual director or counselor to help you replace self-criticism with wellness and compassion.