February 2015
I often see at least one of these characteristics as interfering in relationships:
- Do you frequently go along with what other people want and disregard your own needs?
- Do you make decisions based on pleasing others?
- Do you stay in relationships too long?
- Do you use sarcasm as a way to express your dissatisfaction with someone?
- Are you always trying to make people happy?
- Do you get silently angry with others because your needs aren’t met?
- Are you afraid to assert yourself?
- Do you occasionally lash out in anger?
- Is the thought of conflict scary?
- Have you been told you are too clingy or dependent?
If you have any of these self-sacrificing, conflict-avoiding or people-pleasing tendencies, you may be attracted to people who are controlling or enjoy that you focus more on them. They may also be attracted to you because you let things go their way and you might even push their bad behavior under the rug.
However, this can be an unhealthy mix. You are likely to get tired of your partner always getting their way or tired of their behavior. You may resent losing your autonomy and start withdrawing or become passive-aggressive.
Stephanie was dating Brett. He was strong, confident, and easily took charge. Brett knew what he wanted and Stephanie was happy to go along because it pleased him. This contributed to his falling in love with her. They married and everything went well for a few years.
Then Stephanie began to resent the fact that he made all the decisions in their lives. She wanted to begin a family and he wasn’t ready to have children yet. She tried to go along with Brett’s wishes so she stuffed her own feelings down deep inside.
This was such an important issue for her that eventually she became angry with frequent outbursts and threats of divorce. She didn’t even realize what was happening, blamed him for being so controlling and started to withdraw from him emotionally.
Brett was confused and responded with equally combative statements, wondering what happened to his supportive wife. He never asked her how she was feeling, in a loving and supportive way. She never asked him for what she needed with compassion and honesty.
Their walls went up and the room grew cold.
Their pairing had started out well but it floundered. She was stuck in a conflict-avoiding and people-pleasing pattern while he was stuck in a controlling pattern. This destroyed their love for one another.
As in the case of Stephanie, even when you are trying to please your partner or avoid conflict or suppress your own needs, those negative emotions will eventually surface and tear you apart inside.
The resolution? Self-awareness of when you are giving too much of yourself away and assertiveness to speak for your needs, wants and desires:
- Be in touch with your needs.
- Ask for what you want.
- Set limits and boundaries with people.
- Explore your fears as to what might happen if someone got to know you from the inside.
- Give yourself compassion and self-love so you feel solid even if you aren’t in a relationship.
In order to get there, you will need the courage to face your fears and develop confidence in the right to have your own thoughts/opinions. It takes practice but you can speak to others with love and respect for what you need.
Speaking out with anger, bluntness or sarcasm — doesn’t count.
You can unlock a whole new world of being a self-respecting, authentic and genuine person in your relationships.
People will love you for it.