Tag Archives | relationships

3 Tips to Detox Relationships

JULY 2016

Tip 1: Identify your Side of the Street

You can’t change their side of the street. That’s why it’s so important to understand how you navigate conflict and to fully own where you fall short.

Here are 3 very common patterns that people tend to lean into that don’t work:

Amp-up with anger, irritation or frustration. This includes the use of any of the following: strong words, loud voice, sarcasm, blunt, verbal attack, threats, physical gestures or blame
Amp-down by emotionally shutting down. This includes: not verbalizing what you are thinking, holding in anger/irritation, thinking it’s best to say nothing rather than stir up conflict, feeling hurt but not expressing it or pretending that everything is “just fine”.
Amp-down by physically withdrawing. This is simply leaving the room/conversation to go somewhere else (e.g. the other room, for a drive, the gym, a friend’s house).

People who have an “amp-down” style of communication feel good that they never fight. The reality is you don’t resolve conflict … you avoid it. People who have an “amp-up” style believe the bigger energy helps them to be heard. It actually has the opposite effect

Tip 2: Change your Side of the Street
Now that you have some clarity as to what you’re doing to hurt the relationship — it’s time to start speaking for what you want to change. The goal in healthy relationships is knowing how to navigate conflict which includes boundaries and crystal clear communication.

Express feelings with short and direct requests with 1-2 sentences with a calm, compassionate voice. Drop any language that is blunt, laden with blame or sarcastic. It might sound like this:

“It hurts when you criticize me. I need you to stop.”
“Lower your voice. I want to hear you – and I can’t when you’re loud.”
“I’m not ok with your drinking. I love you and I’m asking you to make a change.”
“I withdraw when you snap at me. That needs to stop.”
“I want to hear your point of view and I want you to hear mine. I don’t feel heard when you talk over me.”

Tip 3: Fill Your Love Tank
Many relationships fail not because people don’t put in the effort but because people express their love in the “wrong” way.

The Five Love Languages, a NY Times Best Seller, by Gary Chapman clearly explains that each of us has a primary love language. When you speak the right language to those you love — it fills up their “love tank”. They feel more connected and loved by you. And, it provides to you an easy way to ask for more love and connection.

Here are the 5 Love Languages, as developed by Dr. Chapman:

Physical Touch: A person whose primary language is touch loves non-sexual contact including; hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face.
Acts of Service: Can wiping down the kitchen countertop be taken as, “I love you?” Yes! A person with this love language feels loved when people do things for them.
Gifts: This is not about the monetary value of the gift. Those with this love language thrive on the thoughtfulness, surprise and effort behind the gift.
Quality Time: For these people, nothing says, “I love you” like full, undivided attention. Being “fully present” for the person with this love language is critical which means no TV, computer or chores to distract.
Words of Affirmation: Actions don’t always speak louder than words. People with this love language, relish in compliments and affirmative phrases.

Read The 5 Love Languages and pay attention to ALL your relationships — spouse, partner, children, family and friends. Which relationships fill your love tank and which do not?

If you have relationships that are not working — do something.
Nothing changes if nothing changes

Let’s Talk About Happily-Ever-After

By Elizabeth Galanti in Relationships

October 2015

There is a typical laundry list of factors that lead to divorce (loss of communication, inability to connect, feeling unloved, feeling misunderstood, etc.). With the high rate of divorce — the smartest thing that couples can do is to seek counseling before they say “I do.”

Some studies suggest that couples who engage in pre-marital counseling have lower divorce rates. The willingness to work on your relationship when you are still courting indicates a high probability that you will continue that work throughout the marriage. And, to have clear conversations about basics such as money, sex and children relieves a lot of pressure as you head into marriage.

I often ask the question to couples, “What’s the elephant in the room?” Or, “What gets pushed under the rug and not talked about?” That almost always opens up a tender subject.

I see how beneficial it is for couples to deal with problems early – before it morphs into the Great Wall of China. Why? Because the unhealthy patterns aren’t yet set in concrete.

After marriage, many couples settle into life and deal ineffectively with their problems which leads to consistent collapse in communication, absence of sexual relations or lack of quality time together. These relationships can typically be salvaged — with hard work by the couple.

As a therapist, I can say that the earlier a couple starts therapy, the better the prognosis for the health of the relationship.

The point is simple — couples counseling is a smart decision.

It might feel intimidating to think about expressing your pent-up anger, frustration and resentments. Although, it is the expression of these feelings in a structured context that actually allows two people to deal with them and begin getting back on track.

What can you expect out of Relationship Counseling?

1) Strengthen Communication Skills: Being able to effectively listen, truly hear and validate the other’s position is a skill that few people possess. Couples that communicate well can discuss and resolve issues when they arise more effectively. Good listening and speaking skills include feeling prioritized, heard, validated and loved in the relationship.
How often am I formulating my defense or retreat or comeback or poison arrow — when my loved one is attacking or withdrawing?

2) Explore Relationship Balance: How much attention is paid to the “you,” “me” and “we” of the relationship? Couples who are out of balance can struggle with a number of issues. It’s important to identify whether you’re both satisfied with your relationship balance – or you might need to make a few adjustments.
Do I feel there’s a sense of equality and power balance in my relationship?

3) Identify Problematic Family of Origin Issues: People learn much of how to “be in a relationship” from parents and other early influences. If one partner (or both) experienced unhealthy examples from role models, it is helpful to explore that in regards to how it plays out in the relationship.
How was conflict handled in my childhood home and what did I learn about making an apology?

Let us pray for peace, and let us bring it about,
starting in our own homes.
~ Pope Francis

7 Warning Signs Your Relationship is in Trouble

By Elizabeth Galanti in Relationships

June 2015

1. There’s been an affair.
People who have affairs find themselves in a confusing conflict between their values/morals and their behavior. For their partner, infidelity creates a violation of trust and a crisis of identity. Affairs are an act of betrayal and, living in this digital age, it can feel like death by a thousand cuts.

An affair redefines a relationship and every couple will determine what the legacy of the affair will be for their marriage – whether it thrives, dies or merely survives.

2. You routinely have dead-end fights.
It’s normal for every couple to have disagreements from time to time. But if you’re feeling exhausted and hopeless from constantly fighting with your partner about things that never get resolved, then it’s time to seek help. Fights are about, “I’m right. I’m good. You’re wrong. You’re bad.” When two people are fighting to be understood — the result is no one is heard and both feel hurt.

The solution is to identify your patterns and learn ways to rewire your communication so you get off the merry-go-round of endless conflict.

3. You feel disconnected, shut down or lonely.
The point of a relationship is to share your life with someone who cares about you, supports you and wants nothing but the best for you.

However, if you’re feeling disconnected, emotionally shut down or lonely in your relationship — you likely have constructed an “emotional wall” to keep the pain out. The downside is that it also keeps the pain inside of you and prevents you from taking in love.

4. You feel insecure, clingy or jealous.
I often work with couples where insecurity and jealousy has become a big issue, to the extent where one partner ends up spying on the other partner through social media, dating apps and emails.

If trust has been lost and replaced by jealousy, the relationship needs help. Not feeling secure with your partner puts enormous stress on both people. Sometimes jealousy follows you from past relationships where there was a major breach of trust. Other times, it might be your current partner who is acting in a way that raises new suspicions; such as communicating with an ex — and then minimizing their behaviors to put the blame on you that you are “overly sensitive”. Lack of trust ruins authentic connection.

5. You are controlling.
Getting your way and being in charge might work really well for you as an individual. At the same time, it doesn’t always bode well for relationships. When you view situations as a power struggle — it means there’s always a loser and you’re working hard to be the winner. People may tell you that you are bossy or demanding and they get tired of being on the receiving end.

The problem is — most people don’t want to be controlled and will begin to rebel against you.

6. You avoid conflict.
People who are conflict-avoidant often think it’s a pathway to harmonious living. Instead, it creates imbalance. Communicating about relevant issues in relationships is a fundamental ingredient to an honest, authentic connection.

If you or your partner are constantly running away from dealing with conflict, this can be potentially harmful in the long run. Learning effective conflict resolution skills is key so you can deal with challenging conversations and experience stronger bonds.

7. You avoid being vulnerable.
Being open and honest with your partner is a key ingredient to emotional intimacy.

If you want to be truly known by another person — you must be vulnerable. If you feel closed, defensive, or avoidant, your relationship will suffer. Learning how to be more open with your partner in a safe and secure way is important. Vulnerability becomes a strength in relationships, not a liability.

Relationship therapy is not only for couples in crisis. It’s for anyone who wants more love in their life.

7 Elements of the Perfect Apology

By Elizabeth Galanti in Relationships

May 2015

If you have been in a relationship for a while, chances are good that you have developed some not-so-helpful ways of communicating. Many times after you’ve done something to hurt or offend your partner, you add insult to injury with either no apology or a poor one.

Never apologizing or doing it poorly earns you the status of “jerk” in your partner’s mind. An inadequate apology often creates a slow-burn of resentment between you and your loved one. It essentially guarantees that the unresolved hurt will seep into the next interaction because nothing gets resolved.

Learning how to apologize is an art. Learn it well – practice it. The faster the repair with an apology– the faster the flow of love and fun will flow back into your relationship.

Always make a face-face apology, when possible. Use email or text only as a short-term solution – and then follow-up with a sincere phone or in-person apology. Never use social media.
Be prepared that there might be a bad start to your apology. The other person might use it as an opportunity to fire back at you. Keep your calm. These kind of defensive maneuvers from the other person comes from hurt and anger. Accept it. And, continue with your apology when they cool down.
Tone of voice is key. If you aren’t sorry, don’t say that you are. Wait until you can give an authentic apology.
Ask the other person how you can repair the damage, especially if you acted out in front of others.
Do not joke to “lighten” things up. A sincere apology requires seriousness and respect for the other person and a humorous comment adds insult upon someone you have already injured.
The word “but” erases everything that is said before it, such as, “I’m sorry I was rude to your mother last night but ….” Stop! End the sentence. The word “but” adds excuses to your apology.
No cheap shots allowed when you are making an apology. For example, telling someone that you are sorry they are offended is basically the same thing as telling them that it is their problem – not yours. Take responsibility – use “I” statements for your side of the street, “I’m sorry I said mean things about your mother. I was wrong and I’m sorry.”

Do Your Relationships Stumble?

By Elizabeth Galanti in People Pleasing, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Stress Management

February 2015

I often see at least one of these characteristics as interfering in relationships:

Do you frequently go along with what other people want and disregard your own needs?
Do you make decisions based on pleasing others?
Do you stay in relationships too long?
Do you use sarcasm as a way to express your dissatisfaction with someone?
Are you always trying to make people happy?
Do you get silently angry with others because your needs aren’t met?
Are you afraid to assert yourself?
Do you occasionally lash out in anger?
Is the thought of conflict scary?
Have you been told you are too clingy or dependent?

If you have any of these self-sacrificing, conflict-avoiding or people-pleasing tendencies, you may be attracted to people who are controlling or enjoy that you focus more on them. They may also be attracted to you because you let things go their way and you might even push their bad behavior under the rug.

However, this can be an unhealthy mix. You are likely to get tired of your partner always getting their way or tired of their behavior. You may resent losing your autonomy and start withdrawing or become passive-aggressive.

Stephanie was dating Brett. He was strong, confident, and easily took charge. Brett knew what he wanted and Stephanie was happy to go along because it pleased him. This contributed to his falling in love with her. They married and everything went well for a few years.

Then Stephanie began to resent the fact that he made all the decisions in their lives. She wanted to begin a family and he wasn’t ready to have children yet. She tried to go along with Brett’s wishes so she stuffed her own feelings down deep inside.

This was such an important issue for her that eventually she became angry with frequent outbursts and threats of divorce. She didn’t even realize what was happening, blamed him for being so controlling and started to withdraw from him emotionally.

Brett was confused and responded with equally combative statements, wondering what happened to his supportive wife. He never asked her how she was feeling, in a loving and supportive way. She never asked him for what she needed with compassion and honesty.

Their walls went up and the room grew cold.

Their pairing had started out well but it floundered. She was stuck in a conflict-avoiding and people-pleasing pattern while he was stuck in a controlling pattern. This destroyed their love for one another.

As in the case of Stephanie, even when you are trying to please your partner or avoid conflict or suppress your own needs, those negative emotions will eventually surface and tear you apart inside.

The resolution? Self-awareness of when you are giving too much of yourself away and assertiveness to speak for your needs, wants and desires:

Be in touch with your needs.
Ask for what you want.
Set limits and boundaries with people.
Explore your fears as to what might happen if someone got to know you from the inside.
Give yourself compassion and self-love so you feel solid even if you aren’t in a relationship.

In order to get there, you will need the courage to face your fears and develop confidence in the right to have your own thoughts/opinions. It takes practice but you can speak to others with love and respect for what you need.

Speaking out with anger, bluntness or sarcasm — doesn’t count.

You can unlock a whole new world of being a self-respecting, authentic and genuine person in your relationships.

People will love you for it.

Nobody Wins the Blame Game

By Elizabeth Galanti in Anger, Relationships, Stress Management

October 2013

How many times have you said these words, “It’s not my fault, don’t blame me!”? – and then heard these words back from your spouse or partner.

When you are have difficulty in a relationship, you tend to feel vulnerable and find fault with your spouse as a means to protect yourself.

When I work with couples, they often tell me of a recent fight and each of them only remembers the hurtful words from the other person.

Why Does This Happen?
Your psyche is composed of many different parts with different emotions. You might have feelings on opposite ends of the spectrum, “A part of gets so irritated when my husband criticizes me and another part of me just melts when he looks me in the eyes with affection and respect.”

If your spouse judges, criticizes or pulls away from you, it can trigger a Hurt Child part of you that feels sad, worthless or unlovable. Then a Blaming Part of you might blast your partner so you don’t experience the unbearable feelings of the Hurt Child.

When The Blamer gets angry and judges your spouse, it is primarily trying to protect you from feeling attacked. The Blaming Part wants to shift the fault to your partner so your Hurt Child is safe.

Couples are particularly prone to using blame to protect from the emotional havoc of feeling blamed, judged, shamed, unlovable, criticized and/or worthless.

What Can You Do?
A good way to shift out of the blame-game is to make an effort to be aware of your parts and take responsibility for them.

Notice when something comes up inside of you that feels “icky”. Take a time-out. Slow everything down. Feel the various parts emerge.

Be with the Blamer and Hurt Child in a loving way to ease their intensity and pain. This opens up compassion for yourself and for your spouse.

By realizing that many of your fights are the result of parts getting triggered, you can ease the friction to allow for understanding and softness.

Ultimately, you begin to catch the blaming before it starts – and end a game that is always a lose-lose.