Tag Archives | workaholism

Calming the Inner Critic

By Elizabeth Galanti in Addiction, Self-Esteem, Stress Management, Work Issues

September 2013

You likely know it’s there and have some awareness of it. The Inner Critic is that critical or shaming voice inside of your head that evaluates, criticizes, pushes, or critiques you. It might tell you that you are not good enough or that you are too much. It might be more global and say overarching things such as — you’re bad.

That Critic might push you to do/accomplish more — feeling like a slavedriver. Or, it might shame you after you’ve done something “wrong” such as making a mistake, eating too much or getting angry. It might tell you that you’re too big, your needs aren’t important or that you are being a nuisance to others.

If you feel inadequate or awful about yourself — it’s time to focus on your Inner Critic.

I was recently reading the lovely work of Jay Early and Bonnie Weiss (Personal Growth Programs). They have identified 7 types of Inner Critics:

TaskMaster pushes you very hard to accomplish a lot. It wants you to work hard and be successful. It fears that you may be mediocre or lazy and will be judged a failure. It drives you to work harder..

Perfectionist is all about quality of work — mistakes and flaws are not acceptable. This Critic has high standards and it does not want you to be judged, rejected or criticized.

Underminer is very uncomfortable with risk. It tries to undermine your self-confidence and self-esteem and wants you to stay small to avoid failing, being hurt, judged or rejected.

Molder doesn’t allow for individuality and wants you to fit a mold that comes from society, your family or culture. It attacks you for not acting in a certain way and prevents your free expression.

Inner Controller tries to prevent pleasurable, decadent or addictive behavior that might not be good for you; overeating, drinking, sexual activity.  It fears that you will get out of control.

Guilt-Tripper crushes your conscience for some specific action you have taken (or not taken). It tries to protect you from repeating past mistakes by making sure you never feel free.

Destroyer depresses you, making pervasive attacks on your self-worth and shaming you. It makes you feel inherently flawed and not entitled to basic understanding/respect.

The question I hear most often in my therapy room is — “Elizabeth, how do I get rid of that self-critical voice and feel better about myself?” The good news is — you can.

As a start — just begin to notice when the Critic surfaces. Try journaling to begin to clearly hear the words of the Inner Critic without hating it or trying to get rid of it — but rather being interested in it. Allow your memories to drift back to what was going on in your life when the Critic started to surface.

Ask the Critic some questions. Why do you push me like that? What are you trying to do for me? What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t criticize/shame me?

My own Critic criticizes/shames me because it is afraid that I’ll fail. That shaming voice inside my head pushes me to succeed. It started in highschool when I realized that I could gain more love/attention from my parents with my success in school and sports. The critical voice is afraid that if I fail — I’ll lose love from those around me.

When I was age 14, the Critic was helpful in pushing me to do well in those formative years of my life. It was developmentally appropriate for my age and helped me set personal, educational and career goals. Although, four decades later — that Critic has the potential of draining my energy and damaging my self-worth. What do you notice about your Critic?

The first step with the Critic is to notice it. Then the shift to soften it can begin.

Type A’s & Stress

By Elizabeth Galanti in Anger, Depression, Stress Management, Work Issues

June 2013

There is no doubt that work is important in today’s society. People who are hard workers and take their jobs seriously are often rewarded with promotions, bonuses and accolades from family, friends and the boss. Our results-oriented culture admires people who produce – that makes sense.

However, hard work and success can actually become addictive. Without even realizing it, a person driven by success begins to measure their personal worth by how much they get done and how successful they become. Fearing failure and needing to experience the next success, a person may be driven — moving from one success to the next, faster and faster.

Often times, this personality trait is seen as early as grade school or high school. It carries a badge of honor for the youngster to succeed in one or more areas, especially if it results in athletic and scholastic achievements. Teachers, parents, coaches, friends – send the message that “you are somebody” as the child or adolescent begins to equate success to self-worth.

RESEARCH
In the 1950’s, two heart specialists – Rosenman and Friedman – developed the term, Type A. They conducted an 8-year study of middle managers and executives and asked questions such as:
• Do you feel guilty if you use spare time to relax?
• Do you need to win in order to derive enjoyment from games and sports?
• Do you generally move, walk and eat rapidly?
• Do you often try to do more than one thing at a time?

Rosenman & Friedman described Type A behavior as competitive, ambitious, impatient and aggressive. Type A’s tend to have a harrying sense of time urgency. Individuals displaying this pattern seem to be engaged in a chronic, ceaseless and often fruitless struggle with themselves, with others, with circumstances, with time and sometimes with life itself.

RESULTS
Energetic and strong-willed Type A’s become caught in a self-made trap of attempting to hold everything together, trying to achieve greater success, negating the poetic and personal side of life and struggling to answer the question, “Has it been worth the price?” as marriages dissolve, their children grow distant or they are laid off from their beloved job. Type A’s are so focused on the destination – that they treat themselves like machines until they break down one way or another.

The first step is a candid self-appraisal. How many of these beliefs do you hold?

I must always be competent.
I must get everything done on time.
I don’t have the limits of normal people.
I must work hard all the time.
I feel more valuable when I accomplish something.

The second step is to begin to softly shift those beliefs. You might find a phrase to say yourself several times a day that is meaningful to you:

I do not need to work harder than others.
I am a worthwhile person — separate from my work.
I am loved for who I am — not what I do..
I can rest. I don’t have to do it all.
I do not have to control everything.

The third step is consciously take time each day to slow down:

Take mini-breaks throughout the day (stretch, walk, eat lunch with someone).
Take deep breaths and relax your shoulders, neck, jaw, hands when you feel tension increasing.
Set a goal for what time you’ll leave at the end of the day — and stick to it.
Leave your briefcase at work.

I encourage you to reach out to a mentor, spiritual advisor or counselor if you are having trouble making changes by yourself.

I’m here if you need help.